


Secret Agent Russia du Lake

by KealynLynnette



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers, Le Morte d'Arthur - Thomas Malory
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M, Parody, fairytale
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-21
Updated: 2012-06-21
Packaged: 2017-11-08 06:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/439935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KealynLynnette/pseuds/KealynLynnette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Follow the epic tale of King Arthur's bravest knight... Russia? (A crack parody of Sir Thomas Malory's Lancelot tales.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Main Event

When President America returned home from Quebec, he got back to his people at the White House, and there called all his FBI agents of the Oval Table, who entertained themselves with juggling and beauty contests. Of all of his agents, one was the best, both in charming good looks and cunningness, and this was Russia, who was also First Lady Canada's favorite, to whom he had sworn eternal one-ness. 

One day Special Agent Russia, feeling bored of staying in D.C. for so long, and only playing with pretend, decided to go explore the countryside for adventure. He asked his nephew Agent Norway to come with him, and when they were both dressed in new suits and shiny black motorcycles, they drove off together through the forest. 

At noon they started across a plain, but the intensity of the sun made Agent Russia feel sleepy, so Agent Norway suggested that they should rest beneath the shade of a taco stand that was by the sidewalk wall. They dismounted, parked their motorcycles, and settled down.

"I haven't felt this sleepy in the last seven years, da!" said Agent Russia, and with that passed out, while Agent Norway watched.

Soon three other agents came riding by, and Agent Norway noticed that they were being pursued by a fourth agent, who was one of the most gangster-looking ones he had ever seen. The one chasing the agents overtook the each one in turn and, as he did so, pushed them off their bikes with a poke to their side. When all three lay stunned, he dismounted, bound them securely to his bike and took them away. 

Without checking to see if Agent Russia was okay, Agent Norway climbed on his motorcycle and drove after the other agent and, as soon as he was close enough, shouted his challenge. The agent turned around and they charged at each other, with the result that Agent Norway was also thrown from his bike, bound and led away a prisoner.

(Agent Norway and Agent Latvia are [taken as prisoners](750006).)

While Agent Russia was still passed out beneath the taco stand, four beauty-queens started across the plain. They were riding in a white and pink convertible and accompanied by four talent agents who held above them, at their top of some random poles, a green cotton canopy, to protect them from the sun. The group was startled by the roar of Agent Russia's snoring and, changing direction, rode up to the taco stand, where they discovered the sleeping agent. And as each of the queens gazed at the pretty Agent Russia, each of them wanted him as her own.

"Don't fight with each other," said Belarus. "Instead, I will cast a magic spell on him so he stays knocked out while we kidnap him and make him our prisoner. We can then make him choose one of us for his girlfriend."

Agent Russia was laid in his jacket and dragged by two agents to Castle Cherries, Belarus's condo. He awoke to find himself in a cold basement, where a young maid was serving him dinner. 

"What's up?" she asked.

"Woman, I really don't know what's going on, except that it must have been magic that brought me here, da?"

"Dude, if you are who I think you are, you will find out tomorrow." And with that the young maid left him. Agent Russia spent an uncomfortable night, but at noon the four beauty-queens finally showed up and Belarus told him:

"Agent Russia, I know that First Lady Canada loves you and you love her. But now that I have kidnapped you, you have a choice: choose one of us to be your girlfriend, or die miserably in this basement. Now I will tell you our names: I’m Belarus, Miss Gore 2154; my friends are Ukraine, Miss Galys 1985; Greece, Miss Esteonde 2315 and Scotland, Mister Outer Isles 2010. So take your pick."

"Oh, well this is a hard choice... Not! I don't like any of you, annoying mites that you are; so I'd rather die here. But if I was free, I would gladly tell anyone off who claimed to be better then First Lady Canada in anyway."

"So.... that's a no?" asked Belarus.

“Even if it means I die, then yes, da?” Agent Russia said finally, and so the queens left him alone.

Sometime later, the young maid who had given him dinner showed up again.

"What's up?" she asked.

"It's the end!" Russia exclaimed.

"Agent Russia, I know you totally rejected those so-called queens, and that they want to kill you because they’re mad. But if you followed my rules, I could save you. I need someone to represent my dad at a competition next Tuesday, when he has to compete with France, and three other agents of the Oval Table, who totally owned him last week."

"Woman, tell me the name of your dad."

"England."

"Cool, woman; I've heard he's okay and an average agent, so sure I'll fight for him.”

"Thanks! Tomorrow morning I'll help you escape and tell you how to get to a not-so-abandoned warehouse which is ten miles from here, and where the people there will take care of you while I fetch daddy."

"Sure, whatever woman."

Like she promised, the maid helped Agent Russia escape at dawn. After she led him through the twenty-four different doors that led to the entrance, she helped him fill up his tank and gave him his affects, and directions to find the warehouse.

"Thanks for the help; I'll do my best."

Agent Russia rode through the forest in search of the warehouse but when it became dark and his nyctophobia kicked in, he saw a red silk tent in the middle of nowhere, and dove right in and fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WORK IN PROGRESS. Sorry, I just needed the chapter url to finish the first one.

The victorious agent, whose name was Agent Taiwan, led her prisoners to her mansion and threw them on the ground, stripped them naked, and beat them with silly string. After that she locked them in the basement where many other prisoners, who had received the same treatment, were complaining loudly.

Meanwhile, Agent Latvia, who liked to accompany Agent Russia on his adventures, and finding him not there, decided to drive after him. Before long he came upon a pasta-salesman.

"Hey dude, if you know these streets, can you tell me where to go to find adventure?" 

"Veh~, I can tell you: less than a mile from here stands a well-guarded mansion. On the left of the entrance you will find a gas station for your bike, and across from the gas station a large tree from which hangs a collection of famous FBI badges. Below the badges is a large doorbell, of copper and brass: ring it three times with your gun, and then surely you will meet with adventure-and if you survive, you will be the most famous Agent for a long time.

"Thanks!" Agent Latvia replied.

The mansion was exactly as the pasta-salesman had described it, and among the badges Agent Latvia recognized several as belonging to special agents of the Oval Table. After filling his tank, he rang the doorbell, and Agent Taiwan, whose castle it was, appeared.

They shot at each other, and at the first encounter Agent Latvia sent his opponent's bike spinning twice about before he could recover.

"Good job; now try again," said Agent Taiwan.

This time Agent Taiwan caught Agent Latvia jsut below the right arm and, having shot him, kicked him out of the seat and took him to the mansion, where she threw him on the ground.

MORE TO BE WRITTEN


End file.
